It’s hard work being a polyamorous farmer. As well as building fences, keeping the birds from pecking at my seeds, tending to my crops, and picking up goods from the local shopkeep, I’ve got a couple of boyfriends on the go. Farming isn’t just hoeing around, after all (sorry). Just like in real life, I am steadily progressing my relationships in Stardew Valley by working my way up to getting ten hearts with the mountain-loving, basement-dwelling Sebastian and the energetic, spiky-haired Sam.
It’s all going well enough; I’ve learned that Sam likes pizza dates and Sebastian is a sucker for sashimi. That’s one of my favourite things about being poly, you know – both in-game and outside of it: you get to indulge different parts of your personality and taste with different people. Why should I have to live with just pizza or sashimi? Why can’t I have both?
Sometimes, I even head over to Sam’s house and see him and Sebastian jamming together, Sam on the guitar whilst Sebastian plays something no-doubt minor keyed and depressing on the piano. My metamours hang out when I’m not there; that’s so nice. That’s so encouraging! There’s clearly no jealousy or anything here. This kitchen table approach to polyamory (ergo: everyone involved in the relationship is integrated and collaboration is prioritised) is working!
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But then it all falls apart. I got married to Sebastian – which wasn’t an issue, even when playing as a male character, nice – and continue my relationship with Sam. But now we’re all ring-fingered, going over to Sam’s and giving him a pizza makes Seb jealous. What? Why? What has changed now that we’re betrothed? Didn’t we just express our love in the most dramatic and legally-binding of ways? What’s changed now that we’re married? I am left confused, a bit irritated, and I end up abandoning my virtual farm – and my multiple Stardew Valley relationships – as a result.